Confessions of...Ignorance...?

I just read some of my blog posts back and they did provoke a cringing of sorts, ranging from the mild (ouch, that's terribly written) to the severe (I sound like I've written that while high and was babbling shite.)

Writing a blog is quite a strange experience; half journalism, half personal ranting, it sits in a peculiar place for me. Considering I have barely written in the last year, journalistic or otherwise, it often feels as though I have been in a coma of sorts and am currently relearning how to use my body. But instead of trying to reinvigorate my limbs, I am trying to record my mind from being lost at sea.

Part of that is my politically conscious mind, as I find myself making many gaffes and becoming more than slightly baffled at some discussions that happen in my own home.

The idea of ignorance has been on my mind a lot this week; I posted recently on a personal online journal (yes, my life is lived through pixels) about my feelings re: being attacked by people for being loud and fearless about my political views. It was all misconstrued as an attempt my myself to encroach people with my view, which is not what I was saying at all (perhaps an example of the dire quality of my writing at the moment, but bare with me) but was merely trying to highlight the point that the average person, apathetic and often without knowledge of the issues we talk about quite vigorously often take our political enthusiasm to be somewhat an attack on the way they live their lives, and thus attack us for holding these views.

Quite why I should be made to feel guilty about someone else's ignorance is not something I feel I have found the answer to yet; this is something which usually inspires angry responses, as I have found a lot recently and that, dear reader, is why I was so perplexed.

Then again, finding myself to be terribly ignorant about a lot of subjects makes me hugely embarrassed.

Take last night; Tuesday night I had been by myself, awaiting our landlady to come round, and Wednesday night could not have been any more different. I was greeted with the presence of another political type, who was having a discussion with one of my housemates. Another person arrived, and several JDs later, I had still only carved a vague shape out of the information material, and my sculpture of understanding was looking rather limp and sorry for itself. (That's not to do with the drink, bying the by.)

I am becoming embarrassingly aware of my political knowledge and the gaps within, and with a lot of the lingo swinging around the room last night, I was baffled by a great deal of it. I enjoyed the discussions and went (translate: stumbled) back into my room feeling like I had learnt a great deal, and I had; but still I felt rather lost and unable to properly join in in an active capacity. I could engage with a great deal of what they were saying, but the finer points often felt like an exclusive club I was yet to join.

I think perhaps that is one of the issues of living in a political bubble like this; you can forget that, to those on the outside, it can seem entirely baffling and a huge battle to feel included. It is a complicated world, and trust me, there are things I have barely even glanced at, let alone scratched the surface of. Because of this, it will be a long battle.

Despite this, I'm learning. Usually I would hate to admit the fact that I am not a bonafide, 100% well-read person involved in active politics, but it's true, there we go...I admitted it. I don't know as much as I should. I have dipped my toes when I should be plunging in from the top diving board with a flair and a bounce, and numerous other hideously cliched metaphors (a hundred, a thousand apologies for that) but I am trying to make amends for that.

A month or so ago, I made a comment in passing that I cannot be overly political 100% of the time; and for that, I would like to make amends and say that I was very, very wrong. I am no longer in a situation where I must repress my political opinion to keep everyone happy, and now I'm free to be as vocal as I like in my house, where I luckily live with two happily actively political people who are helping me to recover my passion for research, discussion and demonstration. The cure for ignorance is knowledge, and I am taking it in in small doses.

Still...aiming towards a greater knowledge and involvement and inspiring towards more can only be a good thing, and thus this shock of my own ignorance, previously denied, can be a great opportunity for development. Now I sound like I am a capitalist, using phrases like that.

I suppose that all this have inspired me to figure out how to use all this awareness in my own life, and I have now figured out that I want to lecture at university on diasporic literature; a lot is to be said about this subject and it will definitely be a lifetime's work. But education is one of the biggest forms of activism, subtle or otherwise. And at least as a professor that floats between literature and anthropology, people will expect me to be politically active.

But that's all for another post.

Once again, thanks for reading.