are they really FIT to take your money?

In the last two weeks, I have been thrust back into politics with the effect of being sat in a catapult and being flung, landing steadily amongst a fluster of blogs, interviews, zines and freesheets. It's like 2004 all over again, and I am all the better for it.

One thing about learning about, or to put it better, delving into politics on a deeper level, is that it is often extremely difficult to admit ignorance. I usually personally find ignorance merely irritating- it's apathy that really pisses me off- but I've found myself being more forgiving in light of my learning curve. Several times in the past week I've bitten my tongue, and when it comes to asking questions I've been reluctant and a touch tentative. But the only way around ignorance is [to pester] with questions after all, so my housemate has had an influx of questions from me about various things, including court cases he's involved with re: FIT. I've been reading fitwatch.blogspot.com of late. Don't get me wrong, I knew this stuff was happening, but not to what extent... it's been an interesting week.

Learning that a FIT photographer can earn upwards of £28,000 a year (and considerably upwards; some earn nearer £40,000) for effectively pursuing an action that assumes criminality of people partaking in their human right to protest issues and question the world around them (to put it hideously basically) made me utterly furious. The fact that I got into a discussion about this branch of the police- an organisation who insist CONSTANTLY they are there to protect communities and their rights, only to consistently divide and attempt to intimidate- after looking at Redwatch says it all, really; and begs the question, who exactly is worse? Both groups are seeming to work along the same lines of fascism and segregation, and assumption of ignorant moral superiority. Like I always say, it would be funny if it wasn't so tragic.

It disturbs me for many reasons; many of these reasons could well be predicted and I'm sure I will discuss them in greater detail at some point.
However, that was not the intended point of this post, but merely an introduction.

When I moved back to London I did so knowing some things would have to be different that when I previously lived in London. These things are nothing to do with the city itself but more to do with my health, specifically mental health.

Whoa nelly, what now?

Yes, from FIT to mental health? This is about money, basically; where it goes and why it goes there. I beg forgiveness in advance for the fact this will be a rant and not filled with much in the way of balanced rationale, because, well, now I'm pretty mad.

Let's start this with honesty. Normally I would be hesitant to be honest about these matters because of how the world begs to make them taboo. But if I'm going to discuss this, honesty must be an absolute priority.

I am mentally ill.

There, I said it. Wow. It's out there. Wee, I feel a bit better about that...anyway, on with the post/show.

When I was living at my grandparents, issues that have dogged me my entire life started to get a hold of me. Not just a hold, but a chokehold. I became chronically depressed, withdrawn, irritable and paranoid, amongst other things (and would explain my odd behaviour in the last year). I am NOT blaming this on my grandparents. Yes, it is exceptionally difficult to live with people nearly half a century older than you with beliefs that came from the same era- homophobia, racism, hating all immigration (even though my granddad's grandfather was an Irish immigrant- but that's a story for another post)- but it is not their fault (and they are merely a product of their time.) Neither is it mine.

My entire life I have had problems like this. I have done many things I regret because of it all. (However, regret is redundant when you are in a position of no control.) I have done extremely dangerous things because I felt the consequences were not applicable to me at the time. It's hard to describe without going into everything; as much as I want to be honest some of that stuff is too personal, irregardless of taboo.

After I nearly took something dangerous far too far, and I broke down at work, I realised that I had to do something about it. So I went to my GP, citing my problems and the urgency needed to deal with it. She said she would forward her notes to a mental health unit who would assess me from there. She said this would happen within two weeks.

Two MONTHS later (and that is a long time considering what was happening to me) I received a letter summoning me to a mental health hearing. A lot had happened in those two months, namely getting the keys to my new house and knowing I was going to move back into London, so previous symptoms had either gone into hiding entirely, or had been reduced considerably.

So I went to the appointment and got my diagnosis. Extreme Anxiety Disorder, and potentially Borderline Personality Disorder, which sits at the same dinner table as Bipolar. I was prescribed with an anti-depressant, to which I was prescribed a dose that isn't even manufactured that small, which resulted in me having to trudge back in the snow to the mental health unit to get my prescription, having to wait to pick it up the next day, only to discover it wasn't vegetarian, let alone vegan. I took it for 4 days or so- emptying the capsule onto my tongue to avoid gelatine- then stopped, because the things that normally moved me ceased to do so (music, poetry, literature, film), and I felt horrible on them. Although the medication wasn't something I wish to pursue, counselling is, so I was given an appointment for the 5th March.

The thing is, that was in Kent. I am now in London. I can't use a mental health unit that is based in another borough, let alone an entire county. So today I went to find a nearby GPs. None seemed to be open on an early Friday afternoon. This is my only weekday off. I wanted to do it today to ensue my treatment continues as soon as possible.

I might be feeling a lot better, but despite my current happiness I obviously have issues that need addressing. I obviously need constant treatment and monitoring to make sure I am staying in control of my illnesses and not vice versa. A lot of people live like this day to day; as bad as my problems are, on the mental health scale, they are pretty far down it.

Back to FIT. Think about it; if each FIT photographer (let's not think about the police per se at the moment, but simply FIT in terms of cost) earns between £28K and £40K per annum, that's a median of £34K. Now how many are there at protests? After being informed by said housemate as to more recent numbers, and using things I have learned re: protests and political events I have attended, I'd say you could get up to, say, 15 of these people, perhaps more (if you have other figures, I would love to hear them; I've been out of the protest loop for a while) so before tax that's a whopping £510,000. PER YEAR. And that's just at a single protest. On people trying to intimidate and harrass those choosing to abhore apathy and have a conscience.

Think how much you could do with that money. £510,000. Let's put that into words. Five hundred and ten thousand pounds. Mill over that for a bit.

We live in a country where any issue occuring is blamed on one of the following-

-immigrants
-young people
-protestors
-asylum seekers
-terrorists

...and instead of looking at solutions and preventions, people are pointing fingers and accusing and all the fucking stupid shit you see in Parliament and on Prime Minister's Questions, bitching and scoring points, but not actually achieving anything. Trust me, I've lived in plenty of run-down, shitty areas where there is nothing to do for people intermittent between childhood and adulthood. As Rancid once said, "where do you go now when you're only 15?" Where is the investment in those areas? Are we paying for FIT photographers instead of youth clubs and organisations, and other ways of making young people in this country feel empowered and supported?

So much money in this country is wasted on absolute bollocks which does nothing to help us but instead is used to divide. Back to mental health. If that money spent on useless photographers was instead spent on, say, campaigning more to prevent people like me being seen as dangerous and individuals to avoid, not only would my life become considerably easier, but so would so many others. You know what? I forgot to mention that on my list. How many times have you read the mainstream media and heard about a mental health patient committing some crime?

Often newspapers miss out the vital facts about mental health care in this country. There is not enough money around to care for people. There is not enough money pumped into places to make sure patients are safe. If there was more money and investment and development of mental health facilities and campaigns to stop the assumptions so employment is easier, treatment is easier, lives are easier, carers have a better time, then communities could be strengthened.

And this is just one example of epic wastes of money (that comes out of YOUR taxes, don't forget that), often thrown at institutions that merely repress and antagonise. If our society is so broken, why punish those who care enough to take to the streets to speak their cause? Aren't we supposed to be a democratic country, where no voice is quashed? Of course they say this, but if people actually looked at the things that really break apart communities...I think they'd question their assumed loyalties.

It's difficult, because as a mental health patient who has struggled for years to have her conditions taken seriously, I have at least opened a door to treatment. Perhaps I am biased in wishing this country to have better services, because trust me, it is no walk in the park having these problems. To put it simply, it sucks. But my point is, waste sucks more. Assuming criminality is not only dangerous, it is divisive and backwards and begs people to stay apathetic.

Don't feel like you have to be timid. Don't feel intimidated. Do not stop being active and taking to the streets and taking control back from those who wish you drifted in a bubble of apathy. Push, challenge and change. Specifically the challenge part. Someone takes a photo of you? Take a photo of them. Do what they do to you. Do not let them win. Ever.

I said this wouldn't read with great rationality, but I hope you can find some in my words.

Thanks again for reading!

Peace x